Five Steps for Dealing with Difficult Parents
Dealing with difficult parents doesn't often get any easier as you grow up and enter the world of adulthood. In fact, it can simply become more... difficult. If you've been having problems with parents who interfere, pushy parents, or parents who refuse to acknowledge that you're out of the nest, try our survival tips:
Distance. If your parents don't have proximity to you, they can't annoy you as much. It's that easy. Often, friction stems from parents and grown children who are overinvolved in each other's lives. Tired of your mom commenting on how dusty your apartment is or asking when you're going to start using your oven (for more than extra shoe storage, that is)? Move across town and see if the visits (and complaints) don't lessen. While you don't have to move to Greenland or even the next state, putting physical distance between you and your parents can help you reduce the tension and actually enjoy your time together.
Set clear boundaries. No, you don't have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart discussion of appropriate boundaries, or even come up with rules that are set in stone. Some simple suggestions will do the trick in many cases. For example, if your dad likes to drop by every once in a while just to "check on you," but you're not okay with unannounced visits, find a tactful way to tell him this is not acceptable. You might let him know that, "I'm planning on having friends over more, so if you could let me know the day before if you're thinking of coming over, it would really help me," or, "Work has been so stressful and I need to spend some time unwinding. If you want to head over, please give me a call ahead of time and I'll let you know if I'm up for it." If your family's a bit more open, the good ol' "Make sure you call before you come because my boyfriend and I might be having wild monkey sex" should do the trick. Expect some griping initially, but follow up with steps 3 and 4 and feel the liberation.
Stand up for yourself. Remember when dealing with difficult parents that you're an adult. You pay your own bills. You keep a roof over your head. You don't have to defer to everything your parents say or wish. If your mom repeatedly criticizes the way you dress or even the way you burp your baby, you can let her know that while you've heard her opinion, you're going to stick with what works for you. Let her know that you're excited to share a pleasant afternoon or evening together, but that the comments and critiques need to stop if you're both going to have a good time.
Don't take the bait. It's hard not to fall for a guilt trip, especially when you're dealing with difficult parents. How can you not feel bad when you let your parents down? However, if your parents are using guilt or pity to get what they want, whether it's a visit on a day that you're already busy or getting to drive their car when they're eyesight is failing, don't fall for it. If the guilt trip is an obvious one, let them know straight out that it's not going to work. If it's a situation where you really are blowing them off, try to find a middle ground. (No, you can't make it to Uncle Ned's retirement party, but you'll send a card and you'll stop by their house in two weeks to hear how it was.)
Let parents be parents--to a degree. Always keep in mind that as frustrating as it can be, 90 percent of the annoying things your parents do is because they love you. They want to see you. They want to help you. They want to know what's going on with you. So, if your mom insists on helping you take care of the kids or your dad tells the same story for the twentieth time, cut them some slack. You don't have to sacrifice other parts of your life to please your parents and you shouldn't have to deal with constant critiques, but if their annoying habits are good intentioned, meet them halfway. And of that doesn't work, did we mention distance?
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